Ouch!

There I stood on the balcony, enjoying the night air after a long day out and about. I had awoken at six in the morning, rushing to get ready and gather the things I would need for two more performances of a sketch comedy. Off we had gone to distant Pomona, breaking at midday upon the first performance's conclusion. I should have napped, but watched a movie with my roommate instead before heading downtown for the second successful performance. Returning home after, I was riding high... until it happened.

I was leaning over the edge of the balcony, resting my forearm on the wall. Suddenly, there was a pinch and a sharp pain! "Aaah!" I exclaimed, and in my pain I pressed against whatever had caused it. In a traumatized state, I fled the balcony, carefully closing the door behind me and rushing to wash the affected area. Immediately I decided that I must have been bitten by a spider. Naturally I began to wonder whether I might have been the victim of a rather venomous one such as a brown recluse or black widow.

I resolved to watch the wound, which progressed with remarkable speed. A small lump developed with a reddened depression in the center. As fast as it sprang up, I worried that this was not the end. Certainly the pain was not through yet, though it lessened with the recommended consumption of an ibuprofen. By the time I was ready for bed, it seemed to have eased, and as I write this the following afternoon, the cause for alarm appears to be no more even if the wound remains apparent in a superficial sense.

The harm to me may be at an end, but don't make the mistake of thinking that I'm going to forget the matter. That spider crossed me, and you just don't do that. If it's still out there, let it be on notice that I will get it. I have nothing against spiders as a whole. They are a valuable contributor to the environment, and are frequently unduly persecuted. This one, though, definitely has it coming. If it's out there, I will get it.

If I killed it (and in the darkness I was unable to ascertain whether I did or not), then I still must be satisfied as an aggrieved party. The spiders must pay me punitive damages in the amount of fifty dollars and an additional to cover any unanticipated medical expenses that may arise at any point in the future. If they fail to meet my terms for an out-of-court settlement, I will file suit in defense of my rights.