Many Ways

It is interesting what motivates me to get out of bed to begin my day. Sometimes it is just that I cannot sleep anymore. That would be a natural waking that signifies that I have actually gotten a proper night's rest. I guess it doesn't happen that much, but it has. It's not very exciting. It's about as exciting as filling up at the gas station, which is interesting only in that it presents an opportunity to look cool and nonchalant for a few minutes.

It is exciting and powerfully motivating to wake up because you really have to. This obviously happens often enough, and is the only reason I ever get up early. The fact that I am easily able to get up out of necessity suggests that I could get up early as a rule (except that it would then conflict with my desire to stay up very late). The very most exciting incidences of getting up out of necessity are when I wake up a bit late and must immediately dress and leave the house. That is stimulating.

Starting From The Hip

I described a dark thought to a friend recently. It seemed to me that when one is in dire shape emotionally, there are nightmares at night and the tribulations of the waking world during the day. The only moment of peace for someone like that is the few seconds of transition from sleep to wakefulness and vice-versa. That has only been the case for me very rarely, and not too recently either. For others it's likely more severe.

There are the times when I cannot afford a leisurely and slow waking. I wake up to something that must be done instantly, and my mind is stuck in mud. I only wind up awake while en route to somewhere, or while in the middle of doing something. It's a strange way to get going, but it seems to have little effect on me in the long term. I'm not sorry that it happens as seldom as it does, but it seems to have little effect.

Home Court

I remain a homebody in many respects, as much as I have made strides in becoming a more social person. I am always overriding my natural tendencies, not changing them. One area that remains problematic is sleeping arrangements. It is a terrible struggle for me to sleep under any conditions if I am not at home in my own bed. Whether the conditions are better or worse, it's a problem that things are different.

I don't have the best bed. It's old and not too big. My pillows are worse than that. My room is finally getting to be decently appointed, but it's hardly fantastic. What's important about those things mostly is familiarity and security. I know where things are. I know how they work. I'm alone in there, whereas I seem more often than not to be sharing a room if not a bed (if a bed is even what I have to sleep on, and it seldom is).

Finished Off

Sleep has been rough lately. I have admittedly not been doing as well as I'd like at getting to bed at a decent hour or, consequently, get up at a decent hour (barring circumstances where I'm expected to be somewhere by others, which has not been a problem). Also problematic has been the time in between. I have been more restless than usual in sleep, struggling to stay asleep as long as I believe I need to be asleep.

I have as a result embarked upon numerous days lately with less than a full head of steam. I have also had episodes such as I did yesterday morning. I found myself vigorously tossing and turning at around four in the morning when I had hardly gotten to sleep by two and had intended to grant myself sleep until noon. It was evident that what I was doing was not restful, and so I might as well do something until I was again fit to rest.

Sleep Creep

Yesterday, I went and sleep in. I was displeased with myself, because I have done well over most of the past year at going to bed at a tolerable hour and rising at one as well. There have been necessary compromises sometimes in the area of an adequate number of hours sleeping, but I have at least managed to get up at 9 in the morning most days. I acknowledge that this is not early to people with real jobs, but for me it is.

Sleep is an interesting subject. There is still plenty that we don't know, I gather. We know some, and I know some of what we know. I've read someplace that an alarm invariably cuts you off from the amount of sleep you should be getting- that when you wake up naturally is when you should have gotten up. You can force yourself into more sleep if you are determined, but where you drift into consciousness of your own accord is the right time.

The Bewildering

A few weeks ago, I slept through my alarm. I did so by a considerable margin. In fact, I woke up at about the time I was supposed to be someplace. It was an upsetting experience. I woke up with the awareness that it was far too bright out, and yet I could not believe my eyes when I saw the time on my alarm clock. I had to look at it for what seemed like an eternity before I could even make sense of the numbers. I was only half-awake, and in a terrible panic.

A minute or two later, I had already made a call to the person who would soon be missing me, leaving a frantic and poorly-composed voice mail. I was hurriedly putting on the previous day's pants and the first shirt I could lay my hands up. I certainly did not shower or do anything more than dress and put on my contacts, and I could have used a shower. I had been out rather late the night before, and I'll confide in you that it wasn't for any purpose as innocent as reading at home.

Bridge The Gap

A consequence of getting up properly in the morning, as I hope I am still doing by the time you read this, is that you experience a drop in energy in mid-afternoon rather than six in the morning (at which time you finally get to bed). Knowing this, I finally understand the quandary described by those poorly-made commercials for little tiny energy drinks that often run when I am watching television programming for "the youth segment".

The natural impulse is to take a nap. Naps have always been trouble for me. I can't do some twenty minute cat nap. That's really not productive for me, although I've heard other others getting good results. They probably don't have the anxiety issues that I have when they start upon that nap. I can't take a nap unless I can afford to stay asleep until such time as I wake up naturally. That could be hours, you see?

In Trying To Sleep, A Learning Curve Steep

Nature often knows best. It doesn't know best about everything, as we have certainly improved upon it in some areas. Also, I would hate to see it develop a big ego, so it's best to be measured in issuing praise, but it often does know best. One thing that happens well naturally is sleep. When it's dark, it's a whole lot easier to sleep than to continue on with waking activities, and it's naturally easier to do the reverse when it's light out.

If you sleep when it's easy to sleep and stay away when that's easier, you're bound to be well-rested and productive. Unfortunately, someone had to go and invent both shelter and artificial lighting. We've been messed up and muddling along ever since then, and no one has the nerve to suggest we go back. I'm no different than the rest. I have a terrible sleep cycle, because it's all too easy to go against the natural way now.

The Conspiracy

I don't take naps during the day too often. It's not so much that I wouldn't like to. I get plenty tired by mid-day on most days, but somehow it doesn't seem to work out. There's always something I want to do, or there's something i have to do. Considering how difficult sleep is at night, it's no easy feat to accomplish it twice in one day. As I think I've made clear, it's not easy even to find the opportunity, let alone to get it done.

I need a pretty big window of time for a nap. I need several hours for a nap that might take one. I need to know that the nap can stretch out for a while in order to relax enough to make it happen, and that's just not realistic often. I also need total security and privacy. The other day, I was looking to take a nap. I'd had an early morning following a late night, and I anticipated another late night to come. It was a rare case of being smart and hoping to plan ahead.

Cooped

It's raining today in Los Angeles. This is no surprise, because it's the big marathon tomorrow. The weather is perfect or nearly so every day of the year except for one in which it's terribly important that it be so good. One must expect that, and one must also expect that I would have mandatory or virtually mandatory engagements on that day as well. I'd love nothing more than to stay in bed all day long with nothing but bathroom breaks, but it's not in the cards.

Of course I was up late carousing last night, and am presently nursing a 'wounded soldier' left over from that. What better way to head off a hangover than to head out into driving rain at 8 in the morning, then to attend a Toastmasters contest? I may have won, but I owe that to my lack of an opponent more so than my very disciplined preparatory work. I wish I could have slept until the parties started in the evening.

Up And Down, Atta Boy!

I don't typically have a really hectic, harried start to the day. Even when I have to get out of the house early, I tend to be up earlier, and this allows me a relaxed start to the day. I'll get up, get my breakfast started, then hit the shower. After my bathroom routine is finished, I dress and peruse the internet for a while, or perhaps watch a little TV. If I have some actual stuff to do that can't happen while I'm traveling, I'll do it.

The only thing that would ruin this is getting up too late, which doesn't happen often. I tend to respond pretty well to my alarm these days. That's good, because there's nothing worse for me than getting a late start and being so rushed that I'm going out with my hair wet. Sadly, that very thing happened the other day. Just how could it be that I got up near an hour and a half after I meant to? I really have no answer to that one.

Be Cool

All too often, I fail to get up at a really good hour if I don't have to. I know in my brain that getting up at something like 7am if not at least 9 is the way to actually get things to happen, but it just doesn't play out that way much. What does get me up is something concrete. Even if I sleep just two hours, I can get up at any hour if I want to. The other thing that gets me up is if I get a phone call. It's just not very pretty, that's all.

It feels like it looks in the movies, except in the movies it's a plain ring, not a whimsical ringtone like I have. Still, I wake up like some hungover cop stereotype, and swear. I wonder who could be calling me, so hard is it to believe that anyone would have cause for doing so. I see who's calling, and then I answer. I try to collect my thoughts and pull myself together before I have to sound ok to the person on the other end. The easy part is answering the call and saying, "Hello?"

Couldn't Sleep

I make bad decisions sometimes. They often have to do with an urgent need to do something, anything, in order to get the decision over with. Sometimes there's really no explaining why I do these things. It can't be a secret urge to fail, can it? Whatever it is, I did about everything wrong that I possibly could in order to get to bed at a reasonable time last night. It was a critical thing that I get some rest, and I didn't manage it too well.

The first thing I did was to have a soda after or around 10pm. I know better than that, but the thing was in my hands before I knew it, and what could I do with an open soda except drink it? I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. I didn't think that it was going to be the difference between good rest and no rest. Little did I know that it was but the first domino, but it was. There were to be a number of horrible decisions to come.

Late Wake

I seem to do pretty well getting up when I ought to these days. It's seldom that I genuinely sleep in, because I mostly can't even in I want to. I have fallen into a strong enough habit that I wake up when the alarm would have gone off even if I don't set it. I guess that's good. A routine is important to productivity and good health, but I do rankle at my conscious mind being subjugated by internal rhythms or whatever else does it.

Still, I have mixed feelings at best when I am at liberty to sleep in and do it. Even on those days, it feels like I have too much to do. I feel lousy if I've slept in and there were no adverse consequences. "No one at all missed me?", I'll ask myself. On the other hand, it feels none too good to wake up in early afternoon  to some email or text from the morning that needed fast attention. I'm glad in such cases to be wanted, but would love a less harried entrance into the land of wakefulness.

No Sleep For The Cinephile

Sleep has always been at best a minor problem, and at worst a severe one. It comes slowly for me, whether it be because of unfamiliar surroundings or overstimulation at the hands of a soda or the day's events. Mostly I regard it as a very unfortunate thing. There have been restless nights and painful days of keeping myself awake by any means necessary (as an insomnia-stricken Malcolm X might say). Sometimes it's a good thing.

I happen to love watching movies. I watch enough of them and have a busy enough schedule that some of them are squeezed in under less-than-optimal conditions. I'll slip one in just before having to go somewhere, skating by with minutes to spare, and I'll watch one at the tail end of a day with another day in the offing. This is where it pays to have sleep so much a stranger. I can't think of too many instances where I fell asleep during a movie.

Zzz

As I believe I've written in the past, sleep in general is difficult. If I'm repeating myself, then it's because such a terrible scourge warrants it, I'm sure you'll agree. Dealing with the looming specter of an early morning's rise is something I do poorly. I expect little sympathy considering that I always tell people in that position that "you don't have to get up early if you don't go to bed". True though that might be, it is  of no more comfort to me than it has been to any of the people I have imposed it on in the past.

It is not a pleasant thing to get up early. The thing is that I can't get myself to sleep too quickly. No matter what time I may get back from nighttime activities, I always wind up spending another hour or so up, even if I feel myself fading away on the trip home. What is one to do about an unwanted second wind? How do you call it off and send it away? Sometimes it's better when I've just been at home for the evening, but this is not the case terribly often.

Interval

There is this period of time immediately following our emergence from the oblivion of sleep. We all go through it. The length of it varies depending on a number of factors, but I think we all experience some amount of time in the morning during which we contemplate just going back to bed. I know I face this about every day, particularly if I have been up late the night before and doubly so if I have no concrete engagements.

As I write this, I think of this morning. I woke up at 9 o'clock as directed by my alarm, now not terribly refreshed by some six hours of sleep. They say that eight hours are what you need, but I know I don't really feel recharged with anything short of ten to twelve hours, and you can imagine that such a thorough sleep is difficult to block out in my schedule. In any case, I was in a precarious position on this fine morrow.

Alarmed

It seems like I'm not in charge of when I get up anymore. I don't just mean that responsibilities require me to get up at some hour each day, although that is more and more true. I do now have good reasons to get up early most days, and it is often in fact crucial that I do so. Necessity does not lead automatically to occurrence, however. Something else is compelling me to get up at a particular hour, and I can't say that it's my alarm. I've had plenty of alarms, and sometimes more than one at a time, but none of them seemed to get the job done, no matter how loud they were or how I arranged them in such a way that I would really have to get up to silence them.

I would say it was the alarm if I didn't keep waking up before the alarm (which is an annoyance I know I'm not the first to speak of). The thing getting me up is something intangible and inexplicable. Some would call it an internal clock or a biological one. Such a thing would be born of routine, but I don't know that I would say I've built any such routine. As I've said, any given week will have me getting up at 5am some days and noon others. That is not the stuff habits are made of. Of course the search is on for the real cause of this phenomenon. It's said that once you eliminate the impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. I've ruled out what I believe to be impossible, so let's see where that leads me.

The Code Of The Bed

On a few occasions, I've talked about a book I read which endeavors to help reduce anxiety by directing the reader to focus on the process of any activity rather than looking ahead to the ultimate outcome. I have tried to take to heart much of the book's contents. One way in which I see an application is the times and places during which positively no good can come from worrying about an ongoing concern or one which is only to come in the future. If you face a quandary, how can you possibly hope to resolve it while in the shower? The answer is that, unless the problem is of a very specific kind, you can't do so. The thing to do is during that time to focus on the task at hand, or think about something more positive, such as the lyrics of a favorite song.

I have named this little personal rule after another time and place where you can only do yourself harm by thinking intently about some problem, and that is in your bed as you attempt to go to sleep. Just as far as getting proper rest is concerned, worrying is unwise. You're keeping the mind working at full speed, which is like trying to bring a vehicle to rest and cool it down while relentlessly gunning the engine. It's beyond fruitless and well into insanity. Secondly, it's no more possible to eliminate the source of worry then and there than it is in the shower. The people your problem may involve are either asleep or disinclined to take a call. Any other entities it entails will likewise be entirely unresponsive. If what you have on your hands is a battle, it's one of the Civil War, when sunset meant cessation of hostilities, food and rest. It's not of any subsequent wars when technology began to permit fighting after dark.

Nap Time

It often seems to take very little grist to supply the mill this blog is akin to in my mind. I don't just look around me for ideas, or open the dictionary to a random page and stab my finger out at a random word, but my mind does seem to seize on the slightest thing. I wouldn't call it catharsis exactly, but I often know what to write about when I start perseverating on some matter and composing, then delivering a speech in my mind to an imaginary audience. Getting it down and ready to send out through this blog clear my mind of the often very small matter, and I'm free to think of something else. Tragically, that thing is bound to be no more consequential than the last thing. Every once in a long while, it's something big. That's not so this time.

I sometimes take a nap, although it's not a habit. I've been advised that they're not really a help, but fundamental nap theory isn't the reason why I don't often go for it. First of all, I usually feel guilty about sleeping during the hours of the day most conducive to getting things done. Night is the time for sleeping, when things are closed and people are unresponsive to phone calls. I don't say that I'm definitely being productive during what might be nap time, but I prefer to be ready for action. Second among my reasons for disdaining naps is that they must be confined to a short period of time, and I don't rest well with an anxious mind. I could sleep for an hour if I don't have to be up in an hour, but if I do, I either won't sleep or will oversleep.