Freak Out

I always counsel people to remain quiet about what they believe they have done wrong, and usually this falls within the context of artistic performances of one kind or another. Of course, I don't mean if you know something is wrong to keep it to yourself instead of bringing it up to those who can help. I just mean that when you've done your best and it's all over, let them figure out you were lousy- don't tell them. It's not easy to stick to that.

What's weird is when that actually works. You believe that what just transpired was an utter calamity, and you want to shout out to the world, "I was lousy, I let everyone down and I'm sorry!" You don't though- you wait for your lump to come to you as they inevitably must. They don't ever come, though. You think that you just wrecked everything forever, but people are thanking you or praising you. You start to feel crazy, and you now want to ask, "Did you not just see what happened?" You wonder if what you think happened actually didn't, because if it did critics would be swarming all over and out for blood.

Clearly that's a perspective skewed by severe emotions, and it's very important to remain calm and try to gain some kind of unbiased perspective. I know that I'm inclined to disbelieve and distrust anyone who fails to back up those crazed, violently self-critical thoughts, but I force myself to accept that if the overwhelming evidence coming in indicates that things were all right or at worst not nearly as bad as I though, then I must trust that evidence instead of blindly rejecting it.

It's tough, but I feel that by and large I manage to contain the tempest within. It can't just stay in there, so I wait, and then I release it in a controlled dispersal at a time and place when it's safe to appear so distraught and insecure. Happily, when I get to that point I often find that that I then am clear of that malicious fog and do in fact believe that it's all ok. That's how I do it. It's like dead reckoning for the mind and emotions.