The Ultimate Test

I often write about things that surely hold no intrigue for anyone but me. Perhaps the reader is able to get interested through my eyes if I compose the thing skillfully enough, but they're subjects that wouldn't occur to the conventional, well-balanced person. I'm certainly neither of those things, and so it is that I have a significant fascination with that inevitable activity which caps off an otherwise lovely dinner at any sit-down restaurant catering to decent people. I've written about how interesting it is that such establishments trust you to pay after benefiting from their service, but I don't believe that I've written about the nuts and bolts of splitting the bill.

Let's set aside a small group of two or three and jump straight into the large restaurant group. Often such a group triggers an automatic gratuity, leaving unsatisfied diners no legitimate recourse. In such situations, there is no need to form a consensus on a tip. When there is, the groups I'm a part of usually settle on fair or generous regardless of service. I assume this is because most of us ourselves currently work in or previously have worked in food service. Figuring out a percentage can be tough for some, and out the calculator-equipped phones come. I usually move the decimal point over to get ten percent, and then multiply it by the appropriate figure. Some make an effort to make a nice, round number of the tip. I don't get hung up on aesthetics.

Now, some in a group will agitate for separate checks. These people are probably sociopaths, because they show no sign of understanding the difference between right and wrong. They also display no instinct for self-preservation or compassion. Separate checks make things harder for the staff, and they are hardly to be blamed if they find some way of lashing out either at the source of their aggravation or at some alternate substitute. One must accept the strain of a single check in civilized society. Now, with justice having been served to the waiter, it must be dealt out to the members of the group. Now is the time when bill liability is assessed. It ranges from he who has only ordered a drink to he who went all out. Woe betide the latter should he push for splitting the bill evenly because "it's simpler". This part is really not so tough, I guess. You just have to separate out the groups of items, tie them to people and then compel payment.

Payment is the final difficulty. Now is when you find out this person has not enough cash or that person can't make change. Now is when people get clever. Often he who lacks proper cash consents to shoulder the burden of the bill on their card, taking the cash of those who had the forethought to visit an ATM. Otherwise, a mound of cash begins to build on the table, and some hero takes account of it to determine if the group has surpassed the liability threshold. If not, either a hunt for the miserly commences, or some selfless saint accepts more than their share of the liability. What transpires in the mind of that saint? Do they suffer silently, holding the memory close indefinitely with the intent of someday settling the score? As the group cheerfully exits with the relief of having successfully split the bill, one can but wonder.