How Do I Say Goodbye (Mechanically Speaking)?

As I've said before, having a lot of friends is a rather new development in my life. That being the case, these days I encounter people I know in person more than I ever have by many orders of magnitude. I ought to stress that while I've had a good formal education, I did not train in the art of social graces. I know precious little about things like the arrangement of silver at a formal dinner setting or receiving lines. It seemed for a long time that learning such things would be a colossal waste of time. How much do I regret that now? I still doubt there will ever be much use for the kind of knowledge prized at box socials and cotillion balls, but there's one area where I'm desperately struggling to catch up: the personal greeting.

If there were just one kind of person I ever had to greet or say goodbye to, I'd be fine. I could focus on handshakes, and really get the hang of it. Unfortunately, a bewildering panoply of different potential physical actions accompany Hello's and Goodbye's. Let's start with the handshake. One must be able to modulate it. I still struggle with that. I know how to deliver a firm grip to convey my strength as a man. That handshake works well with other men and generally in professional circles. It works less well with lady friends, the young and the infirm.

In any case, the handshake has seen its market share even among men decline in favor of the fist bump and the high five. One must really be in sync to know which of the three will be expected when one comes across another man of similar age. The fist bump is easily accomplished provided it's the lone act of greeting and not merely a single component of a more elaborate greeting. The handshake can be rather challenging to pull off. A disparity in the height and strength of two people can make it rather difficult, as can any number of other factors. Being caught by surprise or being under the influence of any kind of excitement may prevent the two open hands from properly connecting, and people can get hurt.

What really gives me a hard time, though, is not any of the above. It's the hug. I just really don't know quite when a hug is called for, and often look either cold and awkward or maniacally affectionate as a result. I dimly understand that going for a hug is a higher-percentage move with a woman, but often find myself in a hug with men as well. Even with a woman, it's no sure thing, and what's worse in that scenario is that I could look like a really bad guy if I go in for an unrequited hug. Criminal charges could be pressed, and I don't want that.

What will improve the situation? Perhaps I ought to seek out some kind of Henry Higgins, or whatever authority would actually be able to get me up to speed on this stuff. That might cost money, though. It would work, but my budget is tight at the moment. What would be a lot cheaper is just to sever ties with everyone. I don't recall Thoreau going into this kind of thing at length when I read Walden. Of course, he was more in contact with people during that period than he would have the reader believe, but I rather imagine people didn't get too close to him when he came into town from the woods. Yes, becoming a hermit just may be the way out of this awkwardness for me.