Not To Be

I was a little upset with myself a couple days ago. As I write this, I kind of still am. What happened is that I had found myself a little stressed out, and as I happened to be in Hollywood, I did what has become habit in such conditions. I went to Amoeba Records and started shopping. I found a Warren Zevon album that I really wanted ("Stand In The Fire", a great live album he did that I could listen to non-stop), and then just a pile of VHS tapes that I loved.

It occurred to me though, that I should think of being frugal. I ultimately concluded that I shouldn't make any purchases just now, and I reluctantly put everything back and left. This was a very hard thing to do. I wanted to have those things so badly, and I knew that was likely to be the case when I walked in there. I have tried not to allow myself to even walk inside, knowing that it's easier to pass on something undefined that I know is probably in there.

There were multiple practical considerations. I don't have endless money to spend on my hobbies (which is why George Carlin preferred only to have "interests", which he said were free), and I'm at a point in my tape collecting that many of the ones I want cost something significant. Too few are only a dollar or two now. Of course, having all the money I want to spend on tapes would just having me exacerbating my habit of taking in more than I can watch, which is another consideration, and then with the record, I can listen to it any time online (even if it doesn't feel the same).

I know I did the right thing, but those tapes and records that I left behind feel like phantom limbs or something. I can hardly stop thinking about them and what might have been. You would think my thoughts would turn to the things I have already, but somehow that does not happen. The conquest is often the best part. I must, even so, forget about those tapes. It may yet be possible to have them, but my yearning is of no use until it is.