Slip

I had a lapse. For a good while, I managed to hold off on buying VHS tapes so that I could finally make a dent in the backlog of unwatched tapes that has grown wildly out of control. I even got under 60 the other day. I had every intention of staying away from the places where I buy them, knowing that even walking in the building was likely to be too much for my resolve. Maybe it was just never going to be for me on that stuff.

It's really not so bad. What happened is that I had an audition. A fair amount of them are on the south end of the Hollywood neighborhood. That's where sound stages, casting agencies and the like can actually be found in the area (and all around the rest of the city, of course). When I get out of an audition, I'm a churning pot of powerful emotions. It's an intense experience to put yourself on the line all exposed like that, and whether it goes well or not, you feel like Frankenstein's monster after he got that jolt.

It's exhilaration matched only by what I imagine drugs can do for you when the audition went well. When it goes poorly or you're not sure, it's a harrowing period of time until the feelings subside, you forget and you move on. Personally, I am inclined to brutally rip myself up inside and feel a powerful impulse to punch a wall. I don't do it, but I want to badly. You might catch me with a scowl, a string of muttered expletives on my lips, and an erratically pumping fist.

One of the things that helps, other than steady breathing and using the rational part of my brain to talk the rest off the ledge, is to find something else to do for a while that will take my mind off the audition until it's safe. Being with friends is good. Doing something like shopping for VHS tapes also works. I weighed the pros and cons, and I decided that even slipping and buying a few tapes was worth dodging the storm. I stand by that.