Play Time

I have a playful quality to me. The grim, stoic visage I display by default does not betray that, but it's there. When among those I trust, I grow very silly and childlike in the little games that I play. Those who indulge me or otherwise grant me license know this all too well. Perhaps some begin to regret it, getting tired as they must of the characters, the voices and the persistent refusal to offer a straight answer to any question.

I do get weary of such things myself, but what can I do? A person can change with great effort if they really want to, but they can do little to alter their own nature. The only way to stop it is to be among those who I don't trust, don't like or don't feel able to be myself with. All too often, the cure is far worse than the disease, as students of oncological science surely know. I'll stick with the obnoxious condition I'm in, thank you.

It's interesting how I do things I don't feel able to do on stage as a comedic performer. There the mind works the same, but labors under the impediment of fear and caution. What it feels safe to do among friends and in private would kill in front of a crowd, but an infernal impulse to protect myself keeps me from doing it. As some would say, the impulse only protects me from growth and success. I continue to work on it.

In the meantime, some of my best performances go out to an audience of one. I sing, I dance, I imitate Albert Pujols and Peter Falk's Lieutenant Columbo and I do utterly silent characterizations of petulant, sullen teenage girls that sharply contrast with the character-poor, pantomime-bereft performances that I do for people. Performers feed on the energy of the audience, but maybe I need to work out a way to take that but believe that it's coming from a single very vocal audience member. It can't hurt to try.