The Beast Within

There's a beast that lies in wait all the while that I'm out, active and with people. I strive to bury it deep inside so that they don't see, but I know it's there. It watches, listens and takes impeccable notes. It bides its time until I'm finally alone and on the down beat, and then it strikes. I do battle with it again and again, never unharmed, but always emerging with enough left to go at it another day. The beast is called introspection, and he beleaguers me relentlessly.

The better part of what comes when I encounter the beast is unsparing, brutal, desperate self-criticism. That leads not to depression, because it's not depression unless it's diagnosed by a mental health professional. I'm not seeing any of those presently. The most I would feel qualified to say is that I enter periods of brooding and melancholia at such times. Needless to say, it's not productive. Nor are my thoughts during such times terribly accurate, but the insidious beast clouds my mind and poisons my objectivity.

Bad days bring some fresh setback or defeat, and the beast loves that. It's fuel of the best kind. He can do without it, though. He can make hay from the least misstep, disappointment or moment of social awkwardness. After the best days I have, I am apt to brood and perseverate over even imagined missteps and defeats. I don't like to speak of the particulars that provide grist for his mill, but suffice it to say that there are incidents which loom large and small, and he makes mountains out of all molehills. Nothing ends the onslaught but to succumb to sleep.

There is an opposite number seeking to counteract his malicious assaults. She is my protecting angel, my muse and my straw boss. I don't know who she is yet, or where, but I love her dearly. The inferred promise of her coming gives me heart when the beast is at the door, and whatever I create in the interval will be to her credit. When she is at my side, she will be more than his match. She will be strong enough to spur me on and inspire me and she will defend the results against him when he comes to assail them. She will do epic battle with him, and when he's vanquished, I will give her everything and do anything. It's all for her.