Sad Guy

I begin every post that delves into what I perceive to be my depression with a caveat that, not being a licensed mental health professional, I'm technically in no position to make such a judgment of myself. If it is true, then my opinions are even more suspect. Who could trust the word of a crazy person that they're crazy? They're just not credible. In any case, I feel sure that I have at least periods of legitimate depression.

I always think of a broken compass. Just as an actual broken compass would leave you ignorant of north and south- ignorant, let's say, of whether you're blundering further into a lethal desert or heading back to civilization and salvation- I often feel that my emotional compass, which keeps me connected to what's happy and what's sad, is off. Just being sad is not sufficient to declare that one is depressed, I think. You've got to be sad with no pathway evident to happiness. Everything seems to lead deeper.

I become aware that I can't trust my judgment. I spent at least part of every day writing jokes. An inability to locate "funny" on the map of feelings is an obvious hindrance. I'll write what I think is a joke, and in looking it over, realize that I've really just written a sad or angry thought. It takes great care to massage one of those into something funny when you're depressed. It's like walking home in a blackout. It's not impossible, but it's slow and difficult going. The process is something close to doing math.

If things that naturally lead to unhappiness are all that lead me to be unhappy, then there's no issue, but I'll suddenly realize that everything is having that effect, even things that should make me happy (or that at worst should be neutral). I think to myself that everything can't be as horrible as it seems. Something's wrong on my end. If one TV channel was out, I'd blame the station. If they all are, then I blame the TV set.