A True Brain Cloud

Sometimes I fall into these dark moods. It's hard to say what truly precipitates them. I don't know that the thing I'm aware of can really be the inciting incident. It can be something that I feel I did wrong, or a sudden feeling of loneliness, or a feeling (obviously false) of being unpopular. In such moods, my perceptions and judgments are all thrown askew. I assiduously try to be alone with sharply negative, self-maligning thoughts.

Compelled to be with people, I have to strongly guard against lashing out at them with unwarranted, unkind words. Mostly that goes all right, although it is bound to leave me very quiet, and consequently not fantastic company anyway. Actually, being with people does have a way of softening my mood, although it's not always enough to restore pleasantness. I think it's always worth forcing myself out anyway.

When alone and brooding, I try to soldier on with the usual things that I do. I desperately try to write, and this meets with mixed results. I can sometimes grind out something tolerable, but a common thing while upset is that I turn out joke after joke that is not actually funny, but something as depressed and angry as I am. I'm thankful that even in such moods I recognize that and toss them out. I do wish I could make something of them.

The moods don't last too long. It's rare, I think, that one stretches on past the originating day, although it's not unknown. It isn't fun to experience, but it seems to me that the creative minds who endure such fits of emotion are invariably the more accomplished and more interesting ones. I do hope to live a longer, happier life than the worst of them, but outside of that I would be very happy to mirror even the faults of the greats.