Check Yourself

One of the things I do which strikes me as normal but which is evidently a source of some amusement or bafflement to others is to carry a mirror in my wallet and to gaze into it periodically. I do this when bored or interested in testing out facial expressions. I feel this is reasonable given my intentions of making a living based in part on my ability to carry out those expressions, but I guess it looks weird and vain to others.

Less strange is to watch myself in a video or see myself in pictures, maybe because the acceptable purpose is more evident. I requested and received a video recording of a recent improv show in which I performed. It's not always easy to watch myself, although I can't say that it's unpleasant as a rule. I think that perhaps my reaction is dependent on how well I think I did. For some I gather that it's always difficult.

For me it remains novel even when I don't like what I see. As with the mirror, I continue to explore my physical abilities in performance. I know well what I can do mentally and verbally. I know not what I can do bodily, nor how my verbals efforts actually sound. Even when I don't like so much what I've done, there's at least that element of things to hold my interest. In the above video, captured crudely by a camera phone, I was gratified by my consistent ability to be heard in the video (if by nothing else), which put me in rarified air.

I wonder still how I look to those watching. The camera objectively captures how I really looked, but cameras can't hire you, pay to see you or embark on a romantic relationship with you. Knowing how I look to them is therefore of limited value. Even worse, I really only know how I see what the camera shows me. I wish fervently that I could objectively see what it objectively shows me, or that I could really see myself through the eyes of others. No matter how I press them, they won't (or can't) tell me. I bitterly regret that.